Kazoo Jones was not a complex man, but he had dreams – and he’d become obsessed with the notion that he could train his physical body to move through solid objects the same way his non-physical self could move through time.
He began by walking up to doors and – in defiance of conventional wisdom that stated you turn the door knob or slide the door – injured himself repeatedly.
Undeterred, he spent hours pressed against the walls of his house, willing them to let his molecules to pass through its molecules.
No dice. Over the years, he met no door or wall willing or able to yield to his transitory wishes.
“It’s almost as if they’re too thick,” he thought. And then he chuckled. “Of course! They’re too THICK, because they’re dead! Maybe I can only walk through solid objects that are alive!” he surmised incorrectly.
For several weeks he tried walking through strangers on the street, but this got him in trouble and also on several police reports. He realized he would have to perfect his technique on solid, living objects that also could not tell on him.
“That’s it,” he thought. “A tree.”
It was perfect. A tree was solid, and it was alive. And it would not report him to the police.
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He therefore set his sights on walking through a tree. He picked a huge solid oak in the middle of a field along a rural road. He would visit it every day and whisper to it. “I’m going to go through you…”
And for no reason, he decided he would do this with a skidoo.
He made several aborted attempts, until finally he knew he could not turn back. He aimed directly at the tree and pushed the throttle. And at the last moment, he closed his eyes and believed…
And suddenly he was on the other side, breathlessly screaming “I DID IT!” to the sky.
But really, it was just the tree that had jumped out of the way. Because you whisper creepy shit to a tree long enough, they’ll watch you.
