A man walking through the park one day sat down to relax on a park bench. This caused no small amount of consternation to the park bench on which he sat.
“The hell is this?!” said the bench, to no one but, of course, himself. “No, please don’t introduce yourself first!” he said in the rhetorical fashion he’d developed in 23 years as a park bench.
Of course, the man didn’t answer, exactly as the bench knew he wouldn’t. “Yeah, of course you’re not gonna answer me,” said the bench. “I knew you wouldn’t.” he said, repeating the information this storyteller has already related to you, the reader, in the earlier part of this paragraph.
But the tree was as unaware of this storyteller as the man was of the bench.
“I wasn’t always a bench, you know!” said the bench. “I was a TREE once! You 60, 70? HA! I was a 90 year old tree! Outlived every other seed in my bud! Squirrels got some of ‘em. Not me. I found purchase in the soil, and I grew!”
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At that point, the old man grasped his heart.
“What’s wrong with you? Wait… old guy… you having a heart attack?”
‘Having’ was, of course, the wrong verb tense, because the old man had indeed already HAD his heart attack, and because men are unlike trees, only the bench heard him fall.
And the bench added ‘forced to touch a dead man for 12 hours’ to the long list of indecencies he’d been forced to endure before the paramedics arrived.